Extract from “the Man Who …. 3

After the service, Brian was puzzled at the closeness of the butcher
Gibbon, and the representative from the channel swimmer society. The
two were talking as though they had known each other all their lives.
Brian’s Mum put her arm through her sons in solidarity.
Brian missed the point of this action and pointed over at the butcher Gibbon.
“What’s going on their Mum?” said Brian to a Woman who had suffered
more than her share of abuse from a man who cared more about sausages
than he did her.
“Your dad used sausage fat to grease up with for the channel swim
son.” She said calmly.
“It was very revolutionary at the time amongst those in the know. Your
Dad loved it. In fact, I think it’s the only reason he tried the
bloody swim. He hated swimming. I think he loved sausages that much,
he just wanted the smell of them all over his body.”

The warden at the prison had informed Uncle Derrick of his brother’s
death. And every inmate was ready with a sympathetic ear and a
friendly stab in the back. However, Brian’s Mum felt the need to visit
him and give him the news in person.

He always protested his innocence and said that a man called ken was
responsible for all of it.
Brains Mum did remember him talking about his friend Ken years ago. It
was around the time when Brian’s dad came out of the army. Derrick had
started to pal around with this Ken and Brian’s Dad had struck up a
friendship with Stuart while they were in Germany. The two friendships
seemed to drive the once inseparable brothers apart. Neither one would
meet the others friend, it was as simple as that.

In 1980, Brian’s Uncle Derrick was 32. He was 6’2 and could run the
hundred meters faster than a Policeman. Derrick was also a talented
boxer, a talent that ran in the family. His brother, Brian’s dad; had
come out of the army with the Alied boxing title under his belt.
Brians dad was a good boxer; he had to be to win the army
championship. Derrick however, with his brothers guidance showed the
potential to be an extraordinary talent.
Brian’s dad would encourage Derrick when he was home on leave. The two
were a sight to see. Derrick looked up to his brother so much at that
time.
While his brother finished his national service Derrick trained long
and hard at a small boxing gym in Sneinton market. He had 13 amateur
fights in that time and won them all inside the distance.
Brians Dad and his brother Derrick were natural athletes. It seemed
like they could do anything they set their mind on.
Brian ‘s Dad had trials with Forest in his youth. Of course, he was
accepted. When asked years later why he didn’t embrace such an
opportunity. Brian’s dad said,
“It wasn’t for me.”
In 1975, Derrick played with Tony Woodcock at Eastwood town, a small
town on the outskirts of Nottingham. A forest scout spotted the two
players. Tony Woodcock became famous, playing in a legendary forest
squad under the foatball genius that was Brian Clough.
When asked years later why he didn’t embrace such an opportunity. Derrick said.
“It wasn’t for me.”
Back to1980, Brian’s Uncle Derrick was 32 and had long since given up
any sporting discipline.

Derick channeled his energy into setting up a shop in a run down part
of part of Nottingham. The business was a success, taking the name
from a Tom Waites song, Brian opened a café called ‘Burmah Shave.’
This was a café that offered an old fashion shave by an experienced
barber on the firsr floor.
Because of Brains conections the café was instantly a cool place to be seen.
Burmah shave thrived and it wasn’t long before he opened one in derby
and another in Liescter

Invested a lot of money in property …EXPAND

Lived a modest lifestyle

In 1980, Derrick’s world fell apart. With everything going for him in
so many ways, it took a normal Tues morning to snatch things back.
Derrick and his friend Ken were hurtling down Bells lane on his way
into town on Derricks Yamaha RD250. They hit cinder hill Island at
full pelt as they always did.
Today the bike hit a small oil spill and dropped like a stone.
In his interview, Derrick insisted TO THE POLICE that Ken was thrown
clear onto the verge at the side of the island.
He then recalled how he got trapped under the bike with one leg pinned
and one leg free.
Derrick’s free leg got run over by a dustbin lorry returning to its
depot in Bullwel.

It was a week before Derrick regained consciousness at the city
hospital. He awoke to find a space under the blanket where his leg
should have been.
After two more weeks involving hours of counseling, Derrick was
accepting the cards he’d been dealt and was embracing the chance to
walk again with the help of an artificial limb.
The Police were ever present at the hospital, and were more and more
mystified as to the where- abouts of the person Derrick described as
“The rider of the motorcycle.”

After Derrick was released from hospital, family help was too long in
coming. By the time Brian’s Dad had made the decision to be there for
his young Brother; Derrick had already made contact with ken.
Before long and with kens encouragement Derrick’s life had slipped
into that of a burglar.
He and Ken were known by the Police and The Evening Post as:
“The bungalow Burglars.”
This was because Derrick and Ken only ever burgled bungalows, and
the ground floors of houses.
The Police in their, infinite wisdom, thought that this was a
trademark left by a master criminal. In reality, it was because
Derrick, couldn’t climb stairs very easily with his artificial
limb.
After three months of succesfull burgling, things came to a head one
Thursday when Derrick and Collin were disturbed by a homeowner
returning early from work.
Later, and in court, Derrick recalled that the man said.
“What are you two doing in here?”
Derrick then recalled in court that Ken.
“Properly strangled him.”

Derrick and Ken’s Burglaries took on a different shape after they
strangled Mr. Phillips on Brace Bridge Drive that grim Thursday.
Derrick recalled that Ken took to Strangling, as if he’d found his
vocation in life.
“He loved strangling.” Said Derrick.
Soon every burglary involved a strangling. Derrick recalled that on
one occasion they burgled a house and then Ken, disappointed not to
find anyone home, knocked on the house next door and strangled the
neighbor!

By the end of the year, the net was closing in. After a frustrating
attempt to burgle a rather large house in The Park, Derrick recalled
to the Police how Ken after strangling the home owner, got completely
caught up in the frenzy and proceeded to strangle the cat and
attempted to strangle the goldfish. (It came out in court that this
was a Coy Carp)
This was to be the end of the bungalow burglars.
After trying for a several minutes to strangle the poor fish, Ken
removed his gloves in frustration, and proceeded to hit the goldfish
about the head with a toffee hammer that he happened to find nearby on
a coffee table.

A week later Derrick and Ken were making their way into the town
center by way of the goose fair. They walked to the top of the forest
and fought there way into the pub for a pint.
“Two pints of bitter please mate.”
The man returning with the drinks happened to be the landlord. Brian
handed over a five pound note.
The landlord delayed. Noticing the Omega seamaster on derricks wrist.
“Nice watch.” He said, look at this one. He proceded to show Derrick
his watch which was a Speedmaster. This was necter to Derick, who was
passionate about his watch.
“That’s nice mate, it’s a 60’s one yeah.”
The busy bar holted the conversation, the Landlord was pulled away
and Derick looked around for Ken.
The pints were finished and they walked out into the crowded night.

The fair was alive with lights and music.
Derrick was affected by the atmosphere and became very nostalgic . His
parents were killed during the war, and he went to live with his older
brother, and family. They went to the fair every year without fail.
Derrick said he and Ken both agreed that they would walk through the
fair, and as they did so, they further decided to have a ride on the
cake walk.
The cake walk was a conveyer belt that you walked along. The thing
that made it a ride was the jerking motion that made walking a weird
experience.
A strange choice of ride, but that was the ride that Brian’s mum
always wanted to go on. The ride that the men thought was girly.

From here thing get a little vague. Derrick describes the two of them
enjoying the ride until l he (Derrick) was caught off balance by a
sudden movement on the ride. He recalled how his artificial limb got
caught and he fell forward onto Ken, causing them both to fall with
out stretched arms.
In a cruel twist of fate, both left arms of (Derrick and Ken) seemed
to fall between the moving platforms and were both severed in an
instant just above the elbow.

Derrick didn’t mention his partner in crime until his hand was forced.
He would later reveal in tragic flashback how, after the arms were
severed the belt took them forward and dropped them off the end. The
end where they should be standing and joking and recalling how much of
a good time they’d had.
He recalls other details, a Policeman rushing forward to help. He
recalls Ken seeing the Policeman. He recalled the panic he saw on
Ken’s face as adrenalin rushed through his body.
Derrick awoke in hospital several days later minus an arm and a leg.
He joked that Goose fair was expensive, but it shouldn’t have cost an
arm and a leg!
His one remaining right arm was handcuffed to the hospital bed, much
to his annoyance.
“I could get out of this if I wanted.” He said to a passing nurse.
To find out the identity of Derrick immediately after the accident,
as he lay unconcious, the severed arm found at the scene of the tragic
accident at Goose Fair was identified by means of fingerprints.
Imagine the surprise on the face of the fingerprint man when he found
out that the prints on the severed arm at Goose Fair; matched the
prints on the toffee hammer that killed the gold fish in a robbery
earlier in the evening. This linked Derick with several stranglings,
and a charge of cruelty to animals. Things looked grim. Very grim!
The Police searched Derricks flat and found several items related to
several burglaries. At each of the burglaries connected with Derrick
someone had been strangled, apart from one where the next door
neibhour had been strangled.

Derick was removed from the general ward and put in a single room.
Outside the room sat a police constable.
After the fourth day in hospital Derrick was still in considerable
pain. This was bad, but the thing that annoyed him most was the fact
that he couldn’t tell what the time was. His watch had been on his
left wrist which was on his left arm which he had last seen lying on
the muddy grass at goose fair.
“Where’s my fucking watch!” Derrick shouted this every time he thought
of his old Daytona, which was often.
The lift opened at the second floor of the city Hospital and two
detectives walked along the yellow line towards the private wards.
The contable stood to attention as the officers approached.
“Any trouble? Asked the taller of the two detectives with the
expensive Boss raincoat on, and a hint of Peter Cook in his manner.”
“Tell me you’ve brought his watch.” Replied the constable.
The two detectives looked at each other for a moment.
“Bit of a problhem their Son, we can’t find it.”
“Oh shit, he’s going mental about his watch.”
“Lets put this into perspective.” Said the shorter detective, who bore
an uncanny resemlence to Dudly Moore.
“He’s strangled possibly 8 people, and we’re worrying about his fucking watch!”
“It was expensive.” The constable insisted.
“Look, these are the facts. Either there was no watch, or the
policeman at the scene stole it, or it was stolen by the one of the
fingerprint boys.” Peter Cook detective was laying it on the line.
“What about the ambulence boys, did the arm travel with the suspect or
was it transported in the Police car?”
The two detectives looked at each other but did not answer this question.
“Where’s my fucking watch!” echod from beyond the door.
“Ok,” said Pete. “we’ll leave the interview with the suspect today, do
a bit of background into the whereabouts of this fucking watch.”
He turned and walked back along the yellow line provided by the
hospital for direction. He was closely followed by Dud, who looked
back at a uncomfortable constable.
“Not a word about this!” he said as he rounded the corner following
the racing yellow line and wagging his finger as he made his way back
to the lift.
Pete and Dud retraced the whole incident , they got statements from
everyone. (off the record)
The officer that arrived at the scene of the accident was well known
to Pete, he placed himself at the scene seconds after it happened. He
was sure no one could have relieved the severed arm of an expensive
watch. Pete believed him.
After the ambulance arrived, Derick was carried on board and then the
arm was placed in a sterilized bag and transported to the hospital.
After the surgeon decided it was impossible to reattach, it was placed
in cold storage as was procceedure. No mention was made of a watch in
any report.

Detectives Pete and Dud walked into ferensics hoping for some answers.
“When did you fingerprint it?”
The question was aimed at Bill, a mature ferensics officer with years
on the job.
He started to explain.
“The hospital called, they asked if we could help in the
identification of a potentially fatal accident victom. The man had no
id on him. We get this a lot.
The arm was transported over to us from the hospital and we
fingerprinted it. That’s it.”
“Did you see a watch on the severed arm?” asked Dud
“A watch! This is about a watch!”
“Just answer the question please.” added Pete.
“No I didn’t see a watch, there was no watch.”
“Ok, said Dud, we’ll be off. “You haven’t got the time have you?”
Without thinking Bill lifted his sleave and read the time off his
waterproof alarm casio. He then realized.
“Get out!”
Pete looked at Dud as they walked out of the ferensics lab.
“Have you got the time-?” Pete said sarcasticly, “we’re no nearer
finding that fucking watch than we were two days ago!’ Pete was
getting frustrated.
The conclusion , after two days of investigation by two experienced
detectives’ was that the severed arm at the scene of the accident had
not had a Omega Seamaster on it’s wrist. The evidence was
overwhelming.

The lift opened at the second floor of the city Hospital and two
detectives walked along the yellow line towards the private wards.
The contable stood to attention as the officers approached.
“Any trouble?”
“Tell me you’ve got his watch.”
“Come out the flippin way.” Pete and Dud walked into the private room
occupied by Derrick who was busy drawing a diagram of an imaginary
artificial arm, with bionic powers and an inbuilt Swiss timepiece
custom made by Rolex.
“Just walk right in lads! Fucking hell, can’t I have a bit of privacy!
I’ve lost an arm and a leg you know!”
Pete exploded in defence.
“Before you start, we have reason to believe that there was no watch!”
Their was a pause.
“I know.” Said Derrick.
“What do you mean you know?”
“Well it wasn’t my arm that was brought back to the hospital with me,
that’s why you can’t find my watch. It wasn’t my arm. Or to put it
simpler the arm that you brought back from goose fair with me wasn’t
mine.”
Pete and dud looked at each other in dissbeleif.
“Did you say that the arm brought back with you after the accident
wasn’t yours?”
“Yes, That’s what I said.”
Dud took a step towards the bed.
“Whose arm was it then?”
“It was Ken’s, he must have picked mine up as he staggered off, that’s
the last thing I remember, Ken picking an arm up and staggering off
towards the walzer.”
This was almost too much for Pete and Dud, they both sat down in
silence and thought for a moment.
Dud needed a drink of water, and poured a glass from the table at the
side of Derrick.
“Help yourself mate, give your mate one why don’t you!”
Pete didn’t need a drink of water, he needed clarity.
“You were with an accompliss on the night of the accident? You had an
accompliss on the burglaries?”
“Off course I did, I’ve only got one bloody leg, Ken was with me, he
was a bit wild sometimes. ”

Outside of the private room the constable stood as Pete and Dud exited.
“Do you think we should have got that on tape?” said Dud to a blank faced Pete.
“We’ll have to come back and take a proper statement, he should have
his solicitor there as well. At least we haven’t got to worry about
that fucking watch!”
“What did he say about his watch?” said an inquisitive constable.
“You don’t wanna know said Pete and Dud as they followed the yellow
lines back towards the lift. Dud turned to the constable with a raised
finger before he rounded the yellow line corner.
“Not a word about this!”
Constable ‘look after Derick’ rubbed his ear, which had been pressed
tightly up against the door of the private room; containing Derrick
and two detectives who bore more than a passing resemblence to Peter
Cook and Dudly Moore.
After he’d rubbed his ear, he reached for his Nokia.

By the time Pete and Dud got back to the station, everyone knew about
the watch. Did it exist? Was it stolen?
“Anyone got the time?” amongst other things, echoed around the Police
offices at canning circus that afternoon, and it would not go away
soon.

Advertisements

Extract from The Man Who Forgot How to ride a Bike .. 2nd Sorry about spelling and bits rough copy..

Brian eased the Raleigh Olympus through the kitchen and into the hall.
He past the photograph of his uncle Derrick hanging in the hallway,
and then walked up to the front door.

“I’ll be off then,” he said, looking for his dad.
“Thanks for getting my bike out of the shed.”
“Well thanks for coming Brian.” Said his mum.
“You don’t have to stay away you know, come whenever you feel like
it, have you had a word with your dad?”
Brian’s dad was waiting outside by the front gate.
As Brian walked passed, his Dad reached out and touched his arm,
almost instinctively.
“Off you go then son, mind how you go.”
The touch on his arm by his Father took Brian by surprise, he caught
his mum’s eye and noticed a similar reaction.
“Ok Dad, I’ll pop round tomorrow, you can help me sort out any
teething troubles.”
“Ah right oh son.” said his Dad.
“Bye Mum.” She didn’t reply, but the eye contact that hid a hundred
secrets was still there, this would have to be enouph for Brian.
Brian pushed the Raleigh Olympus out through the front door and onto
the pavement.
“I’m just going to push it for a while Dad, get used to the balance,
see you tomorrow.”
“We’ll get these tires up to pressure tomorrow Dad, ” he shouted as
he approached the corner of Noel Street.

“And we’ll tighten that bloody chain up!” Shouted his Dad as he ached
out the last words he would ever say to his Son.

Brian went home straight away, he tried to mount the bike a few times
on the way but struggled with his momentum. He decided he would wait
until the morning and then approach the bike with the respect it
deserved.

In the morning, Brian was rooting through his drawer in search of his
cycling proficiency certificate, which he had bought off Colin
Pendleton in the juniors.
He had a few such certificates including a first from Oxford in
Classical Japanese, and an MA in Russian literature. All of the
aforementioned certificates, were purchased off Colin Pendleton in the
juniors, and were all hand written to the highest quality in fountain
pen ink.

On the Tuesday Brian awoke and walked downstairs with the full
intention off riding the Raleigh down to the shops to buy some milk.
He walked down to the hall and looked at the bike out of the corner of
his eye.
“I don’t fancy getting on that bastard.” Said Colin Pendleton to Brian.
“It still needs some work, I can’t really use it yet.” Said Brian.
“There’s no point jumping on it straight away.”
“Coward!” Said Collin, but his comment was ignored.
Certainly, Brian was not ready for riding the bike yet, and any excuse
was good enough.
He wanted to ride it, he so wanted to ride the bike that his father
may, or may not have made with his own hands years ago when he worked
at Raleigh.
The following day Brian’s Dad died of a heart attack brought on by
the fact that all his life he had eaten nothing apart from sausage
sandwiches. And I do mean nothing.
The butcher who sold Brian’s Dad the sausages that went into the
sandwiches he had eaten during the last thirty years of his life; came
to the funeral.
Everyone knew he was there of course you couldn’t miss him, well you
couldn’t miss his van.
Brian had grown up with the phrase which was always spoken with
admiration by his Dad:
“You couldn’t miss the Gibbons butchers van….you just couldn’t!”
Gibbons the butcher, might have been noticed; but he was snubbed by
Brian and his Mum. Brian wasn’t aware of the reason why his Mum didn’t
like Gibbon, but he didn’t need to.
He (Mr. Gibbon) had asked if he could place a packet of pork sausages
on the coffin as it went in for cremation. He said it was a tribute to
a great man.
The vicar refused along with the family, and afterward most of the
people attending the service thought it may have been just a cheap
publicity stunt, and the smell of sausages cooking to a crisp was not
a fitting reminder for the man who had twice failed to swim the
English Channel.

Brian’s bike was tied up outside the church. Rather like a modern day
cowboy would have done. Thought Brian aloud.
“Except you have a padlock, said Collin Pendleton.
“And cowboys normally ride, not push their horses.”He continued.
“Why have you locked up your bike with a padlock at your Dads funeral,
we are all friends here my son.” said the vicar to Brian at the outset
of what turned out to be the most miserable funeral since Sparticus’s.

The man from the channel swimmers society attended the service, much
to the annoyance of Brian who still maintained his father should not
have been disqualified for using his initiative on that cold night
thirty years ago.
The scandal was hard for Brian to cope with at the time. He was doing
his woodwork CSE and was trying to make a wooden leg for his uncle
Derrick who had recently been involved in what can only be described
as a terrable accident . While he was busy at the wood lathe, and was
in love with Susan Parks, the school corridors echoed with the sound
of:
” Cheating bastard.”

Susan Parks was one of the people shouting:
“Cheating Bastard.”
Brian’s heart was broken into a thousand pieces. She was the person he
worshipped from afar, and now not only did she ignore him, but turned
against him publicly. That’s a lot for a young boy to take. Brian was
a hard for his age, but this hurt him. He was so hurt, he
didn’t know whether he wanted to wake up in the morning.

pauliepaul

Extract from the Man Who forgot how To ride A Bike

“Hello Mum.”
Brian didn’t knock, just entered the house of his parents straight
through the front door.
“Put the kettle on Mum, I’m going to have a look in the shed for my bike.”
Brian walked through to the kitchen and on toward the back door only
to meet his Dad bending over what appeared to be an upside down racing
bike with ten gears.
“That looks like my bike.” He said to his Dad.
“I know it is, I’m not stealing it!”
After a pause, Brian asked his Dad why his bike was upside down in the kitchen.
“Because I was oiling it for you! And you have really upset your Mum.”
“Using language like that to her, you know better.”
Brian knew that his Dad was referring to the use of the word ‘wanking’
that was used on the telephone earlier as he talked to his Mum.
“Sorry Dad, was bit drunk, Didn’t mean to upset her.”
Brian spun the front wheel of the well-oiled racer that was upside
down in the kitchen at his Mum and Dads house. He then pushed the
pedal and the back wheel eased into life.
“Its a Raleigh Olympus.” said Brian to his Dad who exploded.
“Your Grandad paid for half of this bike and me and your Mum paid for
the other bloody half. I know it’s a Raleigh Olympus because I
probably made the bloody thing when I worked on Ilkeston Road for
twenty years.

Brian’s mum was well on the way with the tea by now and was determined
to keep a air of normality.
“Have you got a girlfriend Brian?” she asked as she poured the tea.
“Cause he hasn’t got a girlfriend.” Said his dad. “I mean why else
would he be wanking in the car!”
Brian went a shade of white, his Mum continued to pour the tea and his
Dad turned and walked past them both towards the living room.
“Why did you tell him what happened Mum?”
Brian was annoyed. His Mum was quick to reply.
“He heard me on the phone to the police Brian, the cars still
registered here. I thought it was your Dad in trouble. But never mind
that, why did you bloody do it!?
For a second Brian was shocked and he was puzzled as to why. He then
realized that his Mum had swore, this was a rareity.
“Stupid bet Mum sorry.”
“A stupid bet! Fiddling with yourself in the car!” she paused in a
horrific moment of realisation. “You don’t still see Collin do you
Brian?” His Mum was in despair.
“He’s a good friend sometimes Mum.”
“Oh Brian, Brian.”
It was as though any hope that Brians Mum had left for her son had
just been snatched away in an instant.

pauliepaul

Golden Give

 

image

Feeling the camp earlier to Give and I know I’ll ache as I wait for Jo and then to see Conch and Toto
Knowing that the lovely universe will be mingling amongst the lovely secret
Waking with Jo under a Golden glow that begins to glow inside
Feeling the real without the pretence and smile
Living under a Golden Give umbrella
Just for a while

pauliepaul

An Orange Give

An Orange Give

Feeling the camp and then to see Conch and Toto
Knowing that the lovely universe will be mingling amongst the lovely secret
Feeling the real without the pretence
Waking with jo under an orange glow
Living under a give umbrella
Living under a give umbrella

pauliepaul