A harmless tale of ambition

A slippery slope.
A slippery slope.

He started out as a prowler, he liked prowling. Then he met a girl and she said: “what are you doing with your life?”
He said “prowling.”

“No ambition then?” She said under her Pinot breath.

One night when he was prowling he saw an open window, with the words of the girl he loves ringing in his ears he took the opportunity, broke in and became a burglar.

He loved being a burglar, he would burgle with glee and did so until he was disturbed one day by a home owner and glee moved to Mexico.

Thinking on his feet, he properly strangled the rightful owner of the property very easily. He had big strong hands.

Strangling was a revelation, he took to it like a duck to water. He would strangle anyone who disturbed his burglary actions and if he wasn’t disturbed he would sometimes see if anyone was in next door and strangle them.

Life was sweet for a time until one day he was knocked off his moped and a dustbin lorry ran over one of his arms.

He awoke in hospital with a space under the sheet where his other arm should have been.

I went to see him.

I said, “are you going to carry on strangling?”

“Have you done the maths?” Is what I said. “One arm stranglers have it hard.” I added.

He broke down and cried and without thinking I said “If you ever hope to strangle again you need to get a grip!”

“I, I, want to try” he said, with a look in his eye that knew he lay lying minus an arm in his bed.

The first night out was a disaster, he just pushed people over by the neck.

I went to give him a hand but it was pointless.

After a while he went back to burglary, he would steal anything he could get his hand on.

Years later when asked what he missed most, he said facing up to the fact that the nine dart finish would never be. Was up there.

But being half a cuddler made him half a man. X



Hero in his own dinner time.. (Knowledge is power 😜)

Kimberley Comp library pic, you can learn and still be hard .....
Kimberley Comp library pic, you can learn and still be hard …..

At school when school was a real life journey reaching the third form meant you knew who was who.
Who was who was Rob Warner, and standing behind him in the dinner queue watching him flick the ears of the boys it was safe to flick the ears of suddenly stopped being safe.

At school in the third form meant learning about a mystical sixth form, a sixth former stood in front of an ear flicking Rob Warner and my education blossomed as I watched Rob Warner learn a lesson at school without a teacher in sight. So far no sign of a fight.

Two in front I saw the grin of the best fighter in the school flick the ear of the sixth former who turned and with one punch dropped the Warner and when down clinically kicked and then calmly collecting his dinner carried on and kept learning and I hope and know he’s fine, as I hope as well one day. He reads this and realises the impression he made on my life.


Master chef Masterchef master chef master c h e f

What's your name and signature dish.
What’s your name and signature dish.

Master chef Africa… Skills test walk 10 miles for water, how will he get on with a chef endorsed by a tyre company. I like that your using all of the carcass before your family starves. Greg the food he put in front of us was only fit for one thing! We both know who has to go.
Jungle get me out are you fucking serious! Do you know what is happening on this planet!!! Turn a blind eye while children die of thirst and wankers shoot tigers because your all cunts!!!!

Right your through, get in line to cook the supper for the live aid lads. Don’t be afraid!

“It’s xmas time.”


The Fourth Form, it was a very good year.

Maid Marrion way in Nottingham.Hearty Goodfellow over the road. Best pic I could find.
Maid Marrion way in Nottingham.Hearty Goodfellow over the road.
Best pic I could find.

My friend from the fourth form was a bed wetter, and he swallowed juicy fruit as he wet the bed on purpose just because he was told not to by a psychiatrist.
My fourth form friends dad was away, and my friend would visit him with his mum.
He had a flick knife and listened to John Peel my fourth form friend.
In the last months of my fourth year at school, when I was 15 in 79/80 my friend took me to see Echo and The Bunnymen at The Hearty Goodfellow on Maid Marian Way in Nottingham.
My friend from the fourth form just walked me through past the doormen as one of them gave him a fiver.
I didn’t have that friend in the fifth form, and I never saw or heard from him again.
Of all the years at school, I like the fourth one best.
By far.


Satisfaction at the ex ex service men’s Club.

Kimberley ex service men's club formally a railway station, behind is Hardy Hansons Kimberley brewery. Sadly closed now as well.
Kimberley ex service men’s club formally a railway station, behind is Hardy Hansons Kimberley brewery. Sadly closed now as well.

When my Uncle Derick upset the landlord at The Ex Service mens Club.
They agreed that satisfaction should be met at Dawn.
The next day was Dawns day off, so I being me.
Agreed for the third time to be my Uncle Dericks second, and he chose to fight…
Well they settled on toffee hammers Tuesday morning.

On the Tuesday morning we all overslept so it was more of an half Eleven start.
We stood in the car park of The Ex Serviceman’s Club and the landlords second approached me and asked if we could do it next week because there was a darts match on and he couldn’t find a toffee hammer.
On behalf of my duelling Uncle I said fair enough like you know.

The Eastwood and Kimberley Advertiser reported Toffee Hammer duelist see sense as darts match unites.
Although “Toffee Hammer” wanted must be in good condition appeared in the free ads of the following issue.


Have you got PSI?

A typical case
A typical case

Inaccurate tyre pressure gauges in the 1980’s have caused detrimental things to happen and the truth is only just emerging. Have you paid to over inflate your tyre in good faith? Are you due compensation? Inaccurate tyre pressure can and has been proved to cause stress and cancer leading to death the ultimate let down. Just one PSI can save a life. We will fight for the extra PSI.

No win no inflated costs. Dust cap loss cover considered with no claims history.
Don’t be let down by bogus over inflated offers.

Free valve with every offer over and above what makes sense, no inflatables.


When Ever?


When I could jump on and off a route master from the end of Dean Street to Notting Hill.

When I thought about things and by things I mean life and life seemed a little bit lighter.

When I knew a secret Soho place to drink and I was still on time to catch a London life character who could make me laugh and think.

When I could drive my DS and park without fear in SoHo square.

When I awoke in the morning and thought about what to wear.

When I was more good looking than I knew, when I started to learn what you are is what you do.

When I knew I loved writing when.

Over and over again.

That’s when x


a sturdy Kings Cross tale of a step too far

You can see the steps under the St Pancas sign behind the car x
You can see the steps under the St Pancas sign behind the car x

I quite liked Kings Cross before they fiddled around with it.
Tonight I arrived at St Pancras International from a visit to the North.
Not a dark alley to skulk in could be found.
People playing piano’s yes you could trip over a pianist easily.
Pianist’s 3
Dark alleys 0
In particular I miss a set of steps I considered so sturdy that led down to the road from the old station entrance.
No sign of them, assigned to a skip I fear after years of wear and service.
Not an even sturdy step in sight. Even as I picture the meeting concerning the sturdy steps that have fulfilled everything that anyone had ever asked of them.
“Onto the subject of the so called sturdy steps, any thoughts anyone?”
The answer was I fear not one of the sturdy step saving type.
Had I been there though, then history and indeed the redevelopment of Kings Cross could and I would argue now as I would have then, should!
Have included a small set of dear dark damp sturdy steps.
Just to the left of the old station exit.