When Tony Crook Called me up

Tony Crook outside of the Bristol showroom.
Tony Crook outside of the Bristol showroom.

When Tony Crook called me up, I was sitting on my bed in my flat on Crouch Hill.

I wasn’t sure who it was at first and why he had called.

Then when he said he had a rather nice 411 coming in and would I like to see it,
I was at Kensington Hight Street before he put the phone down.

An afternoon spent talking to Tony Crook with my bestest friend John P Is such an important part of my life, and try and buy an afternoon listening to Tony Crook and tales of racing cars and flying fighters.

I liked him so much and when he died I was so sad and I said he phoned me up one day.

To anyone who would listen.

But I don’t think anyone knew how much it meant to me.

When Tony Crook called me up.



Wrestling and my part in it’s history


My Grandma said that Big Daddy was the only one who could fight Giant Haystack.

For me seeing Mick McManus get rollerball Rocko in a figure four leg lock changed my life.

My Grandma was strong, she would forearm slam the coalman sometimes, if he got it wrong.

My Grandma also made the milkman cry when his float went flat and she called him names.

When we were in the CoOp on Bracebridge Drive in Bilborough, my Grandma got a man in a half Nelson for jumping the queue.

He submitted and my Grandma won the bout.

The man said that it was wrong, 2 submissions or a knockout he said.

My Grandma knocked him out.

I loved her fairness.

When my Grandma met Kendo Nagasaki At the bingo is another story.


Moving Tramps into Europe (adult)

pauliepaul x
pauliepaul x

In the 70’s my uncle Brian set up a charity wanking tramps off.
Today he’s got 400 wankers working for him
They moved into Europe but you have to wank them off on the wrong side of the road and you have to have a warning triangle and spare bulbs
I asked a wanker about the work
He said the hardest part of the job was the tramps cock
And some tramps get carried away and try to kiss you and ask if they can see you again
One tramp said he liked tea bagging but I saw no one with any hot drinks


Tess and the Two Spikes in …



Tess was staring out of the window deep in thought one rainy week day resisting the temptation to munch a rather fat meat fly.
Buzz of Tess thought, as she thought of her friends and as she thought of Jack the boat dog who lived on the canal in the city, then she thought of Billy, and all her friends she hadn’t seen for such a long time. She missed them all so much and as she missed them she became ever so slightly sad

Junior memories

Bloody hurt in the wrong hands
Bloody hurt in the wrong hands

Discipline is one thing but being hit on the hand hard by Mrs Jones in the Juniors because I couldn’t thread a narrow thread through a narrower needle is another.

Being hit hard with a slipper hurts I said to her, and further there is no way I can thread a needle now you crazy needlework teaching bitch.

Seemingly your punishment has been counter productive along with your teaching career I added just as the bell went
Hence the expression.


Nature and the Vacuume.

Wonderful maybe, but I never wespected it as a cleaner.
Wonderful maybe, but I never wespected it as a cleaner.

“Designing Vacume cleaners can be fun” they said and they asked me to spell Vacume which I did Vacume!

“Wrong!” they said,there are two U’s in Vacuume, one for U and one for the appliance.” Then I smiled and they said,

“Now see how your having fun!”

And I smiled again and said “Why don’t we do away with the nasty bags and surely Vacuume Cleaners can be sexy?”

They said I shouldn’t run before I can Hoover, and when I said that I’d vacuumed the stairs in the Council House

On Darnall Crescent where I was born they said I was lying and in those days stairs were swept.

Before I could say my Mum had a fully carpeted stairs and one of the first Through Lounges in Nottingham they sat me

down and asked me if I knew what a Ewbank was.

I said I think he’s a boxer and they smiled and said I could go.

Years later I asked my Mum what a Ewbank was and she said they promised to beat as they sweep, but my Mum

hated boxing but liked it really as she polished the North Staffs regiment boxing champion trophy sitting on the

mantelpiece next to half of my Aunt Aida’s Ashes.

She was buried at Wilford Hill, and her last request was that someone.

Lay a glove on her. X


For Stephanie


Ah yes Steph, once again the friends and people whose hearts you have touched.
Will gladly help and care, and share your journey again.
Only try to share the pain, because i don’t know if we know how.
Yet it seems that everyone feels with you.
And it seems that to be cared about as much as you are.
Will ease any pain, again and again.
And it seems being cared about as much as you are.
Will bring a smile to carry.
However how far x


John P

For John P x


When we were younger we owned everything.
And everywhere.
We could stop soho traffic with lies, cross casually across continental borders without supplies.
We would question Policemen at random on Frith Street playing Trivial Pursuit with two cards.

Meet tramps and take them to Scotland without a map a clue or a route.
With the windows open..
When we were properly married with wives, we would easily squeeze a week out of an early doors pint.

When I was distraught, John came and found me in The Dog and Duck.
Because he cared and knew I was down on my luck.
We got in his car and went to the sea, and I threw up in a Southend bin.

I did a lot, take the egg from his Scotch, and break his company car, and keys as we payed each other in tulips and fried egg sandwiches.

When we get old we’ll laugh so much for years about one minute we shared with each other at some point.
Best friends are what we did, best friends are what we do.


Towing with Dad Rewritten


Dad wasn’t on top form one year and he asked me to help tow the caravan down to Italy with him and Mum.
We set off, me keeping the peace with a referees whistle until the M25 stopped working and we all queued to get off it, and got off it in the middle of nowhere.
I headed South and was soon passing under suicide Bridge then on and along my hallowed Holloway Road.


Mum was asleep as I feathered the caravan over Tower Bridge, me and Dad were talking Dad was telling stories. He told me about the time they robbed the American payroll in Germany whilst on National service. Then, just as Mum was waking on The Old Kent Road, Dad said “don’t tell your Mam Son” and I said “right o Dad” and then we were quiet for a bit.
On the Swiss border the Swiss border Guard pointed at a spot he wanted me to stop at.
I didn’t stop at his spot I passed it and stopped at mine. I smiled at my Mum and I smiled at my Dad but they didn’t smile back at all.
Because the Swiss border guard went up the flippin wall.
My Dad said “you wait here Son” as he got out and spoke with the Swiss border guard for more than a while.
After my Dad had got back in the car, the Swiss border guard walked around to my open window.
He reached inside and gently touched my hand and as he held it in broken English he said “have no fear have no fear” just as his other hand was wiping away a Swiss border guard tear.
He gave me some chocolate and waved us through and Mum said “are we stopping soon I fancy a cup of tea.”
We stopped at the foot of the Simplon Pass and Dad said “give me the keys Son I’ll take it from here” and Mum said he “always drives The Simplon.”
I said “right o” and got in the back and shut my mouth and my eyes quite tight.
At the top of The Simplon Pass is a Bar.
Me and Mum went in and had a drink and we stayed in there for quite a while.
And after a few drinks later as we were walking back to the car.
Just as she was feeling a little bit typsy.
Mum said “I know what happened in Germany but don’t tell your Dad”and I said “right o Mum.”